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ª About Homefront Text Box: Homefront in Focus: Meet Alana, Persevering Military Wife  We continue honoring military spouses through identifying another ‘hero on the home front.’ I met this week’s featured spouse on a military spouse connection website. As we chatted I realized what a unique role model this young wife is for many spouses. Alana (not her real name) has been married to her Sailor for three years. She is the proud mother of a beautiful 14 month old daughter. Alana and I spoke about many things; military pay, deployment and base housing. I asked Alana, “What topics (for my column) do you think spouses want to see?” Her answer led to many conversations and my deep respect. Her answer? Infidelity. Infidelity is one of those topics we don’t want to talk about. For some it is close to superstition; if we don’t talk about it, it won’t happen. One thing is true, it is a topic most military wives think about, whether we talk about it or not. Alana didn’t just think about it, she has lived through the pain of infidelity. She and her husband, Alan (not his real name) are rebuilding their marriage after infidelity. How and why are they putting so much effort into restoring their marriage? Read on. Alana’s story starts with finding phone numbers of other women among receipts in Alan’s things. Then there were lies, deceit and adultery. Alan had a story to cover each inconsistency but Alana finally called one of the number’s appearing on their cell phone bill. The woman on the other end of the phone confirmed that she indeed had a physical relationship with Alan. Alana was pregnant with their first child and she was devastated. Because Alana and Alan both were Christians, they decided to speak with a pastor. While many friends and even relatives encouraged Alana to leave Alan they decided to begin the hard work of rebuilding their marriage. That was 14 months ago. Alana and Alan are still together still investing the work to build their marriage. “I’ve learned many lessons along the way,” says Alana. “We each bring ‘stuff’ into marriage. If you don’t recognize that and work on that it will impact your marriage. At first I just wanted to blame Alan for everything. I was a good wife, he cheated. It was his fault. Now I am looking at me and ‘my stuff’. Alana and Alan have learned many things during this process. They made the choice to make counseling a big part of their efforts. Initially they went to their pastor. They discovered this wasn’t a ‘best fit’ for them as their pastor was Alana’s pastor prior to marriage. This left Alan feeling awkward. They went to another counselor that just wasn’t a fit for either of them. Finally, they found a Christian counselor who was also prior active duty. This was a good fit for both Alana and Alan. “If one counselor doesn’t work, don’t think counseling won’t work – think, ‘that wasn’t a good fit and look for another counselor.” Alana also observes, “I didn’t realize that marriage isn’t just walking that aisle and saying ‘I do’. It is work. It takes effort. It is worth it but a good marriage takes effort and work. No one says that. “Forgiveness is crucial. I kept holding Alan’s infidelity over his head. I said I wanted to rebuild our marriage but I held it against him. Without forgiving Alan we could not move on to rebuild our marriage. And forgiveness is not forgetting it or ignoring it. It is a decision to not hold it against him and play that card against him anymore. Don’t blame yourself for their infidelity but look at what you bring into the marriage that can hurt a marriage. Now I am working on me and my ‘stuff’ while we work together on our marriage.” Alan says, “I’ve made the decision to stay, to faithfully rebuild our marriage. I want to be with Alana and our daughter. That decision is made, now we have to work rebuilding the relationship.” In a culture that seems to view relationships as disposable this couple chose a harder path but one they feel will result in better marriage, a better family, a rich and rewarding life – together.  All Rights Reserved Homefront in Focus 2007
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